Somewhere between the shore and the ship, it happens. I lose my sense of direction. Here we are, six days into cruising across the Atlantic Ocean on the Celebrity Eclipse, and I still need a compass to find my way around the ship. Or a wife.
Fortunately, mine is patient. Wife, that is. Every time she sees me floundering like a fish out of ocean waters, she’ll take me by the hand and point me to where I want to go, gently reminding me that I’m going the wrong direction. Or she’ll remind me that what I think is 
the port side is really the starboard. Or she’ll ask me why I’m walking towards the bow when we’re just going to sit and watch the wake roll away (that happens at the stern).
And all the time, she’s gloating.
On land, it’s a different story. She needs mountains to tell her which direction is north, assuming the mountains are in fact north. Put her on flat land, give her one spin and ask her to head east and she could wind up in South America…even when the sun is shining. A request for which direction to turn (there are only two) brings this response: “There.”
Cruising on the Eclipse, it’s her turn to brag. It happens every cruise. She’d ask me to navigate, which is what I do to her in the car, but she knows it’s a waste of time. I do know our stateroom is on the port side of the Eclipse, and I do know which side that is…once I look outside to see which direction the ship is moving.
The Eclipse is Celebrity’s largest vessel, and that doesn’t help my directional inadequacies.
The main dining room, Moonlight Sonata, is on both sides of the ship, so there goes the whole port-starboard thing, and it’s on two decks, which means I really don’t know which way is up. I’ve figured out that the entertainment is near the front, unless you consider sports activities entertainment, in which case it’s at the back. I’m certain the eateries are towards the rear because that’s where I saw the three specialty restaurants — Tuscan Grille, Murano and Qsine — except that Moonlight Sonata is mid-ship, and I only know that because I see it so often in my meanderings.
Fortunes Casino is accessible from both sides of the ship, so that’s okay as long as I’m approaching it from the right direction — is there a right direction to approach a casino? The bars don’t help me out, because they’re everywhere.
There is one real benefit to being lost at sea on a ship like the Celebrity Eclipse. There are at least 4,000 other people you can ask for directions.
But that’s another gender story.